i've been blogging on tumblr more recently! www.emmafail.tumblr.com :)

again, i feel like i need another good old party. im craving them a lot now-a-days.

no sense of urgency. i'm lacking in everything i need. school work is getting on top of me, but i'm not doing anything about it. someone give me that first shove? maybe a second and third too...

seriously, shut the fuck up. you contradict yourself in everything you say, so don't make out your something you not.

Well, it's been a while since i've blogged, but i can rest now knowing coursework is out of the way :) Things are good right now, and i am feeling stronger. Lets hope this feeling lasts!

oh jesus christ. grow the fuck up. are you done with it all now? i really can't be bothered with you. start on me, i dare you. i'm not backing down to you now, now ive seen what your really like.

i'm so indecisive right now. i'm missing something, but i don't know what.

stressed out man. times moving too fast. i don't want to be in sixth form, doing my A levels. I dont want to be thinking about uni yet, and having to make that one important decision on what i want to be. I dont want to move out, and have to try and make it on my own. I dont want to get a job, and work to keep myself alive. Take me back to year five, please?

i don't want to play your games anymore. your mind tricks are driving me insane. i don't know what your goal is, but i don't want to stick around to find out. your more confusing than ever right now. i'm raising my white flag.

Ever have it where happiness bugs you? There are those moments where you feel so irritated with, just life in general, you tend to want people to be annoyed with you. It gets to the point when anyone that's not, and has this smile on their faces, just pisses you off even more. Sixth form has turned me into a monster.

open your minds, you'll be surprised.

truth is, the future scares the hell out of me. people always tell me that i need to pick what i want to do in life, get it sorted. However, thats so hard to do when you don't know what life is going to turn out like. Machines could be running the aspect that i'm interested in. i wont be needed. then what? when everything turns electrical, what do you do? life will be bankrupt before you know it.

"screw this, i didn't sign up for this shit."

"sometimes you realise you've taken things as far as they will go."

i don't understand. i'm wearing down.

congratulations. you win.

oh okay. thats cool. what the hell is going on?!

all this new terminology, pouring into my head, word after word, phrase after phrase. trying to take it all in. every lesson, more and more. expanding. growing. memorising is the hardest. word after word ... pop.

no matter how hard i try, i always manage to piss someone off. maybe i'll just stop trying.

you managed to fucking destory that good mood didn't you?

in a swell mood today. :) things seem to be getting better. i'm doing well, and think i can achieve in what i wish.
...lets just see if this changes after my exams.

some more random shit i wrote.

Hello to the friend that betrayed your trust,
Bonjour to the guy that led astray your lust,
This sentence proves that the worlds unjust.

Morbid faces, the more it seems,
No more glowing faces, so goodbye to the beams,
Just that faint echo, which sounds like some scream.

Everybody can see that the edges have worn,
Simple to the eye that our friendship has torn,
Just waiting for this to happen, since the day we were, born.

No one can ever seem to recognize,
All the, destruction, in our eyes,
So well hid, so hard to find. So hard to find.

blah. fucking chill out. everyone is entitled to have their own opinion. Your involved in that too, but your expressing it in all the wrong ways. Just let people be how they want to be. You have no right to slate them. Your not perfect either, but you don't see people going on at you. Or at least, if something is bugging you, say it to their face, instead of writing petty insults that are not directly aimed. The irony in this isn't so big, because carry on the way your acting, and I'll speak up.

I've had enough of being ill. it actually drains me so much. people just say to me "oh your always ill", and then leave it as if its no big deal. but to me it is. being ill is the worst thing ever to me. it emotionally and physically drains me. i just want to live in my bed forever.
I've ran out of topics to blog about at the moment. hence the blog about a cold.

i have a good feeling about this year. i do, i do, i do. just keep saying it; it'll come true.

i never keep to any of my new year resolutions, but I'm determined to keep with this one. must keep up. must keep up. must keep up. i need to keep up with everything. All the sites I'm registered with. People. School work. Revision. School in itself. Sure, its a load, but it's doable. I need to find a way, and i will.

just some poem i made up one night when i was bored (:

Greatest moments, behind your eyes
is where it all comes, settles, lies
a single emotion, so easy to show
its not always the true feelings that flow
its often a cry for someone caring to run
all of this destruction, baby put down the gun
there's a better life, ahead in the light
i know you can do this, please just fight
in your future so many greater things lie
take my hand, i can make you fly.

kinda depressive, but hey what isn't in my blog ;)

HAPPY CHRISTMAS BLOGGERS!

God, my mood changes so much around christmas time. ive just finished opening all my presents, and im so very glad that everyone likes what i brought for them! i hope everyone has a good time today, and piles on the pounds ;) go nuts;go crazy.

i had such an amazing time last night. i haven't let loose like that in a while, and it felt good. i do admit i get carried away though. once i tell myself that Ive had enough, i think about crappy times, and i want to drink more. but oh well i guess. i loved just dancing the night away, and a hangover and some cuts and bruises are a small price to pay!

i cant wait until the next party. honest.

I love how the snow changes everything. It seems to cause and lift bad moods. People change in the snow. Their inner child come out, and everything seems more christmas-y. Even the people who don't like the snow, when they go out in it, smiles are created. I think that white blanket is magic.

i don't get it. all ive ever been is nice to you, and yet, for some bizarre reason, your horrible back. is that just the way you are, or have i done something unintentionally? if i have please tell me, because we cant go on like this, its too frustrating.

on a lighter note, im going to London on Saturday, so i can get lots more clothes! :D

each time i write a blog, it follows the same lines. "im feeling down, but im stopping that now".
...i've yet to stop it. its not as if i don't try. im trying with all i can, each and every day to stop feeling so low, but its just something inside of me, dragging me down. i need to find out what it is, to defeat it. i can't do this on my own, and i need some help. but getting help is admitting defeat, and everyone knows thats something i dislike doing. i refuse to arrange another appointment.

there's always that famous quote floating around somewhere. "everything happens for a reason." it also links in with the thought, "all of that has built you up for this". however, if I'm completely honest, that's bullshit. there was no reason for all of that. there was no need for it, and i could of gotten to where i am today without it all - maybe even progressed further in my life. if i could go back in time, i would erase all of it, because there certainly was no reason for it. so please don't give me all of your crap, because your words are just bullshit.

i swear all the people who just got blogs are beginning to get fed up with them already. i dont think i could ever get fed it with mine. it lets me vent, resulting in me not exploding every day (': however, it does seem that my writers block has returned again. so i'll leave with the thought of Christmas. woo.

i 'wanna be a vampire. :)

i don't know what to write tonight, other than i need to buck up my ideas and get going. its not all going to wait for me.

we did this with no problems or arguments last year, so what makes it so hard this time round? is it because we're older, and getting more stressed about our grades, or is it simply selfishness? is it a singled out bad guy, or is it all of us together? is it the 'higher authority's' fault, or is it ours, just because we lack the capacity to bond together? and last but not least, if one of us gets shot at, do they go down by themselves, or is it all for one?

i can't tell you how good it feels, not to have that dark cloud that is media work hanging over my head anymore! its such a relief knowing that its all done, and i don't have to worry about it. - until unit 2.

More and more of my friends seems to be getting blogs now. i guess that English lesson was somewhat, inspiring? and then there's me, that's had hers for months now, writing away haha. not that i mind (':

christmas is getting more and more closer, each day. it shows too. the shops are getting all their festive stock in. the 'wee' ones have already started their countdown, and I've actually wrote a christmas list this year. i have a feeling its going to be a good one.

Its like i want to cry while smiling.

I've been sat here, trying to think of what to write for a while now. The truth is, i don't know what to write, because i don't know what i feel. During the time when I'm with my friends, I'm at an ultimate high, and feel on top of the world. However, when I'm on my own, or even with my family, i start to feel down. I know why, its my mind. One negative thing triggers off another, and soon enough my whole head is filled with over-powering thoughts. When I'm out, so many conversations are flowing, that its impossible for a bad thought to slip in. However, when I'm alone, there's no barrier to stop them. That's the cause of my mood swings. That's the cause of everything. I think of myself to be a positive person, however my mind seems determined to bring me down. I don't have a bad life. Its not perfect, but who's is? So why do these thoughts continually seem to pull me down?! The worst part of it all, is that when I'm down, i stay down until someone breaks me free. Why, whenever I'm alone do all of these thoughts appear?

nothings changing, so i have nothing new to write. my life is on a repetitive spin. someone throw me something, please?

permanent writers block. Christmas is a permanent thought bubble in my head. permanently on a downer, trying to get up.

Finally things are looking up. I have a good time at school, and enjoy being with the people there. Even the work is begining to look up. The only down side is this problem with my head, but we all know im too much of a wimp to get that sorted out. I'll just begin to limit myself, and actually wear my glasses. Lets hope im okay, because im secretly terrified.

i was just listening to leona lewis - happy, and it got me thinking. for so long now, Ive been feeling so unhappy, and for that, i have no idea why. everything going on was good, so i was just thinking whats going on? Earlier today, it hit me. These good thing's were going on around me, not with me. Ive been so busy making sure i don't make the same mistakes, Ive been pushing myself further and further away, until i was standing on the side-lines, watching. Just watching. So, Ive had enough. I'm getting myself involved. Sure, i may get hurt, but at least ill go down happy, than withering away, watching.

I'm suffering from a huge sense of writers block. Either that, or nothing particularly thrilling is happening to me recently.
I constantly feel asleep. I'm a couch potato, and i need to wake up - now.

I deleted a whole blog that i was writing. I guess I'm in a really fussy mood - i don't know. I feel weird today. One moment I'm completely ecstatic, and the next I'm on the edge of tears. It the most strangest sensation ever. The next few weeks are going to be horrible. I have to have a mini operation on my gum, another cervical cancer jab and several doctors appointments. I have a sense of writers block. I need food.

I'm fed up of being stuck in "limbo". I've got everything Ive ever wanted - so why am i not happier? what else could life bring me, to emotionally pull and lift me out of this stage. It's terrible. I look around, and all i see is everyone smiling and laughing. Whether its fake or not, it doesn't matter. Their still able to. I've had enough now. I'm going to have to come up with a remady, something i can do each time i start to feel upset. Hm...

I haven't wrote on here for a while. I haven't been able to focus on anything. At all. I used to be able to just crack open a book, and settle down for the night. I cant anymore. Not since Ive started sixth form. Somethings distracting me, and i need to figure out what.

I still find it hard to believe that I'm actually in sixth form. I made it out of high school alive, and that is something worth stating! If i just think about it now, it doesn't seem like anything has changed. However, in actual fact, everything has. I'm no longer that sad year 11, that was too immature. I do have to set an example to the rest of the school, and i have to change in order to do that. I need to get myself more organized, and start taking my A levels more seriously.

Its time for change, and this time - its happening.

have you ever put yourself at the other end of it all? pretend your me for a minute. loosing a friend is one thing, but when you see how differently they treat you than others? that's just spiteful.

It takes you by surprise, when all of a sudden, such a huge change occurs in such a short amount of time. However, sometimes it takes a while for it to kick in. I guess its just hit me, that I'm actually grown up now. Its time to end all the childish antics that i had once before. Ive realised that now, it is time for change, and i do have to change the way im living my life. I need to leave all of that behind, and start fresh. Start my new life, as the new Emma. Its time.

i want that. you know, that one special person. the one who will call me up no matter what the time, just to ask one simple question. the one who, when we argue, i never fret, because i know nothing will ever happen. i want it, where when everyone else goes running, i stay. when everyone else is afraid, I'm filled with adrenaline. through one simple touch, my whole body tingles, and i never want the moment to go. someone who will love me unconditionally, just because. i want each kiss to fill like the first one, because that's how magic each moment is. i want all my fears to melt away when I'm with them, and know I'm never alone when i have them. i want to be able to feel the magic. to be really able to feel it, right to the bone. to my heart. to actually feel the spark within me, and feel it dim into a glow. yeah, i want that.

Apparently, when I'm drunk i seem to have some malfunction where i refuse to smile properly, obtain random items of clothing that i didn't posses before, and wreck my hair completely. great. maybe i should lay of the alcohol for a while.

It seems that while I'm LL, your beginning to take a whirl into what you caused others. I'm glad, and hope you stay there for a while. You deserve nothing else.

Brought a new outfit for sixth form today. Will post pictures of it soon ;D

I'm in a very creative mood today. i just want to get out my scrap book, and get going. i want to write for ages, and just get everything released.
you don't understand how good it feels to finally be rid of you. to be able to make other plans, and not worry you'll find out. i don't have to sneak around anymore, and i love the feel of being free. you don't understand how your pushing everyone away. look around, who have you got? I'm even turning your last friend against you. i realise that makes me sound like a bitch, but I'm not doing it in aim to hurt you, she just has a right to know all the stuff you've said about her. all the lies you've told about her. she needs to know, that she doesn't really know you. i take back my wish for happiness i gave you. i hope you live your ultimate downfall. i don't care about you anymore. if you want proof, just say something to me. I'm not going to back down any longer. I'm done. goodbye.

"hate is a strong word, but i really really really don't like you."

last night went pretty good. knuckle hurts now though, and i feel really ruff, but it was good. i keep fretting, and will be glad when next wednesday comes.
Got my results yesterday, 5 B's :D sixth form, here i come. [:

well, nothing went to planned, but all-in-all it turned out real good? (:
lol at the fact we only managed to get to catsle hill for like 2/3 hours?:L
hmm, i need pictures from rosie...

it makes me laugh, how you can say one thing behind someones back, and another to their face. Don't be the bitch if you cant play the part. No one finds you funny, were just growing tired of your antics.
Fightstar friday (: - i'll post pictures of my outfit soon. No idea what im going to look like though tbh. But, im asleep now, so good night (:

You have the nerve to create a new style icon based on the people in the world; that actually have a clue? When your bring something else to the table, then we'll talk.
On a lighter note, going down to faithful p'bro on wednesday, in aim to realease my pay day money and chuck out half of my never worn misfourtunes.